Designer: manikka
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Decided to appeal for Sociology.. but Those who got it all have good GP grades.. I wonder how much is my chances..

Finally. He said it.
My dad said since the day I chose to study Arts stream, I should have know the limited choices I have and I should study hard to get in. In other words, he's blaming me for not studying hard.

I did study. But do you know it? All you know is how my sis fared in her A level, get into the course you and she want, All you know is how she's been so good and obedient and listen to you always and always study hard for every exam and all I do is watch tv programs even during exams.

You did not give any support to me. Not during O levels, not during A levels.

People ask me to move on with my life. But you go back and blame me. Do I want it that way? Dont I want good results?

My faith in the family is all gone. It seems so meaningless to continue to argue with you all, cause there seems to be no place for my presence in the family. Because your eyes dont have me at all.

Family stress. Everything come upon me after the rejection of all the spore unis.
Though they didnt say anything straight, I can feel that they are starting to blame me for my poor results at A levels. They dont understand my situation.

I'm sick today. But they dont care. They continue to bombard me with questions and what I want to do and throw me all sort of questions which I dont even have the energy to think and answer and they simply just blame me for everything, for all the trouble I come out with.

Leaving. The thought dashed my mind.

Studying and Working partime. Dashed my mind too.

Everything's in the mess.

It seems like everyone is leaving me. leaving me to fend for myself.

*****

Know what? I want a wonderful life. Actually I have always wish to have a very smooth life. Finish Uni, Find a boyfriend, enter a job that I want, enjoy my job, finish my dreams, go travelling with friends, settle down when is time....

But life is not as smooth as I want to. It seems like I no longer could attain all those mentioned. Maybe my life will end the next day, the next moment. Or maybe I will end up as a loner whom no one will ever care. Just a meaningless being in the world.

I cant sense my presence. It seeems I need a pair of glasses.. a pair that will guide me to the right path..

Feel much better after talking to Jiefang and sms-ing Tracy huangping, kokhsien, vien..
Though still in the situation of sadness, life got to move on. I shall go seek for the right path.

Just hope that whatever that happens, my friends will be there, will not abandon me or strained our relationship.

I have learnt another lesson of life. Something different.

What's wrong? What's wrong with me? What's wrong with my life?

It just seems like I cant get anything right. I just feel so lost and helpless and lonely and suddenly the world becomes so big and I am lost in that tiny corner whereby no one finds me and I just seems so meaningless.

The life I am looking forward to just seems so much further away from me. It seems almost impossible to accomplish that kind of life.

Maybe it has been wrong since from the start. I cant help but cry, I no longer have the energy to tell myself that everything will be fine and it will turn out fine in the end. I no longer have the ability to tell myself I can do it, cause I cant. the truth is denying me, my life is denying me.

Just end it. I dont want this. It may be nothing, just a small thing which doesnt play a large part in your life. But to me, it matters. at least for now.

Whatever it is, there is only me to be blamed.

Let me let it out. Is been in there for a long time. very long time.

Thursday..

Shoopping with Jiesung and Huangping at bugis is real great. So manny cheap and Nice things there. shall go there again...

Da Vincci Code, was quite a nice movie though, but Since is a fiction, I really wonder why the whole world is debating about it. arr. Is just a movie.. is just a fiction...

*****

got rejected by NTU.. really upset. The believe I had on myself has again been lost. I no longer have confidence in myself. so sad. everyone is moving on, but I'm still drifting in the air. what should I do?

Saturday...

Meet up with Kok Hsien and Jackie and Vien, with the surprise presence of her pri sch mate. Kbox-ing was as usual real FUN and Jackie and me keep challenging those diffcult and high notes songs and It really feel so good to just sing your lungs out. Is really been a long time since I sing..

Then after vien went off, 3 of us went to Kenny rogers to eat dinner. Gosh it was really nice and make me feel full. Not too hungry not too full. Just nice. And 3 of us go on chatting as usual, about amy's boyfriend (opps I guess amy shouldnt be reading this!!), their supposingly-tough-army-life which turn out to be so slacking, our secondary friends, our future life.

And kok hsien and me realised we are BORING people. We hardly go for clubbing or pubbing, which is what IN now, and we dont have girlfriend or boyfriend, and he dont play LAN game, ok at least I got play maplestory (online game). haha. Then after finding all sort of reasons to explain why we are like this, we surrender and admit that ok we are boring ppl.... sob sob. haha

Jackie started to talk about death and he's scared of dying cause all his memories and friends will all be gone and stuff like that. Well, I am scared of dying too cause I dont know the feeling, It should be quite scary. And we started to talk about we should cherish everyday and live like there's no tomorrow.

We also feared of losing contact with each other, as each of us go on to uni, go on to work, go on to army, go on to ........ etc..... And we suddenly feel so close to each other, cause the friendship that we built up is like so strong and steady and we already have a form of bonding and mo qi, even if one didnt say anything, the other knows.. That's what I really cherish.. True friendship..

I'm lucky to have so many friends ard me, sec sch friends, sajc friends.. pri sch friends.. I feel real lucky...

P/s: I hope uni letters coming to me soon. please. REAL SOON PLEASE...

Another week passed... Gosh.. And I still have no news yet..

But on the other hand, seeing so many of my friends getting notices, and like step by step accomplishing or slowly attaining their future goals and jobs, that really feel good. It really seems like we all are growing up. But on the other hand, I am getting real worried at the same time. heehee

Shopping on Thurs with Tracy and Jiefang was really nice. Is been a loong lost feeling..... And subsequently I am going out with the other buddies!!! Cool....

Anyway, Congrats to SAJC rugby and hockey girls. good job~ really miss school life...

So I heeded Abby's and Jiefang's advice to call and ask. But all I got is to ask me to wait til the end of the month. Gosh I seriously pray pray that they will take me in....

NTU CALL ME!!! Call me!!!!

*****

Looking forward to the various shopping trips and singing trips with my friends this week. WHOOHOOO......

有时，只需一些支持，
一些鼓励。
就足够了。

人就是那么容易满足。至少我是。

*****

I guess this month I will be in the whole situation of freaking-out and worry-ing. I know there's nth much I can do but just cant help.

Thanks to all my friends who listen to me whine-ing. Thanks.. really. I feel much better after talking to you all....

海的故事

深海的鲸鱼， 永远都自己游着。
慢慢的， 独自的游着。
就算是大浪，也自己去面对。

虽然有许多善良的鱼儿在它的周围，
帮助它，协助它，
克服了许多问题和难关。
但是， 内心所承担的压力与难受，
也只有自己来承受。

经过了一段时间，
鲸鱼渐渐地学会让眼泪在心里流。
或许它已找不到流出眼泪的勇气。

海依然是宽阔，无限的。
鲸鱼仍然游着。

(change encording to Unicode to read chinese)

海的故事

深海的鲸鱼， 永远都自己游着。
慢慢的， 独自的游着。
就算是大浪，也自己去面对。

虽然有许多善良的鱼儿在它的周围，
帮助它，协助它，
克服了许多问题和难关。
但是， 内心所承担的压力与难受，
也只有自己来承受。

经过了一段时间，
鲸鱼渐渐地学会让眼泪在心里流。
或许它已找不到流出眼泪的勇气。

海依然是宽阔，无限的。
鲸鱼仍然游着。

I guess I am now at the real real real bottom of the world....

Just checked online at the SMU website, and it says I got rejected. " Your application is not successful....."

I am real sad.. worried.. sad.. upset.. My self-confidence has once again heat the bottom.

I am not even given a chance to have the interview. Maybe I am that bad.. Real bad..